


dont go to rose all she knows is hot topic and fuckin edward gorey unless you wanna hear about fishnet wristbands or heavily crosshatched dudes leanin on urns youre outta luck

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23881513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave asks Kanaya a serious question.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 40
Kudos: 213





	dont go to rose all she knows is hot topic and fuckin edward gorey unless you wanna hear about fishnet wristbands or heavily crosshatched dudes leanin on urns youre outta luck

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  


TG: yo kanaya is it cool if i ask you a weird personal question right out of the blue  
GA: Um  
TG: i mean i guess its not right out of the blue anymore  
TG: since im bestowing this sweet warning ahead of time  
TG: you can totally still play this shit off  
TG: all oh dang dave my extremely fashionably skirted butt just happened to sidle over on my phone at like the perfect angle  
TG: it just so happened to type out that um with my particular totally still unexplained typing quirk  
TG: thats my b  
TG: or really its my butts b  
TG: my butt and me are gonna each claim equal parts of this b  
TG: were goin dutch  
TG: no need to cut this baby in half nope  
TG: we got this  
TG: and thats why we didnt answer your message for like 8 days dave sorry you dont still wanna ask that question right  
GA: Um  
TG: ok  
TG: wow  
TG: interesting play  
TG: its technically another response but its the same bullshit as before  
TG: you could just be moving on your phone the same way  
TG: butt typing the same keystrokes  
TG: this is some 10d chess shit right here kanaya or possibly kanayas butt  
TG: this is good shit  
GA: Dave If I Let You Ask Your Question Will You Stop Talking About My Butt  
TG: uh yeah at least in the near future  
TG: definitely  
TG: i cant make any long term promises  
GA: Well I Suppose That Will Have To Do  
TG: i mean i was kinda technically giving you an out here  
TG: in case you hadnt noticed  
TG: all layin it out all gentlemanly like  
TG: like a big long rolled up doormat outside the red lobster  
TG: im openin the restaurant up for the day  
TG: gave it a big old satisfying kick and just rolled that fucker out  
GA: Im Not Sure Im Following Anymore  
TG: red lobsters this imaginary earth restaurant  
TG: it was always on tv  
TG: all tossin crustaceans around like nobodys business  
TG: all makin shrimp do sicknasty backflips into olympic size pools of melted butter while cheesy biscuits breakdance dramatically in the background  
GA: Ok  
GA: I Guess  
GA: That Has Definitely Replaced Some Elements Of My Confusion  
GA: With  
GA: Other Things  
TG: sweet awesome you got any more earth questions kanaya you come to me first  
TG: ill hook a girl up  
TG: dont go to rose all she knows is hot topic and fuckin edward gorey  
TG: unless you wanna hear about fishnet wristbands or heavily crosshatched dudes leanin on urns youre outta luck  
TG: shes got some serious cultural gaps  
TG: shes just gonna lead you astray  
GA: Ok  
GA: ...  
GA: Did You Have A Question For Me Or  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: i did actually  
GA: Well I Will Do My Best To Tell You If Im Willing To Answer It Or Not  
GA: In Exchange For This Precious Red Lobster Knowledge  
TG: cool  
TG: ok  
TG: so  
TG: do trolls have like  
TG: really sensitive noses  
GA: Im Sorry  
GA: What  
TG: you know what i mean  
TG: can you guys smell really well  
TG: oh fuck i phrased this all wrong  
TG: i shoulda started with how do trolls smell  
TG: dot dot dot  
TG: pause for dramatic effect  
GA: With Our Noses  
TG: awful  
GA: The Same As You I Presume  
TG: oh my god  
TG: kanaya  
TG: this is the best  
TG: youre the best  
GA: Am I  
TG: yeah  
TG: holy damn  
TG: we gotta take this shit on the road  
TG: this is the kind of comedy gold you cant script  
TG: but were gonna have to script ours  
TG: cuz we got a rigorous tour schedule  
TG: we got a beat up van and 26 cities to hit in 20 days kanaya its not gonna be easy but the exposure will be huge  
TG: and the memories  
TG: well  
TG: those fuckers are gonna last a lifetime  
GA: Id Say Id Lost The Plot Of This Conversation  
GA: But I Really Cant Remember Ever Knowing Where It Was  
GA: Or Even Seeing It  
GA: Or Being Aware Of it  
GA: You Want To Know If We Can Smell  
TG: no  
TG: not just can you smell  
TG: can you smell like really really well  
TG: like with acumen  
TG: terezi notwithstanding obviously like shes got her own weird daredevil my other senses are only heightened better go fight some crime thing goin on  
TG: i just mean the rest of you  
GA: Um  
GA: I Dont Know  
TG: what do you mean you dont know  
TG: how can you not know that  
TG: can you smell or not  
TG: oh no kanaya did you take a troll bottle rocket to the nose as a kid  
TG: shit im sorry  
GA: What No  
GA: I Can Smell Just Fine  
GA: But Thats The Thing  
GA: Its Just Fine  
GA: I Have No Idea If Its Better Or Worse Than Your Own Sense Of Smell Dave  
GA: Its Just  
GA: Normal  
TG: you havent asked rose  
GA: No Oddly Enough It Hasnt Come Up Yet  
TG: shit i dont know what you guys get up to  
TG: wait  
TG: nevermind  
TG: i just realized going down this path is the last thing i want to do ever  
GA: Why  
GA: Does It Bother You  
GA: Us Becoming Close  
TG: what no are you kidding  
TG: its every young mans dream to meet his hella close female friend for the first time  
TG: and instantly like without any preamble whatsoever find out shes his sister and shes a lesbian and dating a bangin alien girl  
TG: and then live in close quarters with them for years  
TG: while they all go through puberty  
TG: its like the prototypical idealized coming of age story on earth  
TG: thats why there are so many disney movies about it  
GA: Oh Ok  
GA: Good  
TG: yep  
GA: Why Did This Question Come Up  
GA: If You Dont Mind Me Asking  
TG: its purely academic  
GA: Really  
TG: yeah  
TG: you know since the world ended  
TG: thus dashing all my hopes of finishing what was technically the homeschool equivalent of 7th grade to the extent that it didnt raise any red flags at the truancy office  
TG: the obvious next step like the logical continuance in my education  
TG: is for me to write a scientific dissertation on the intricacies of troll olfactory biz  
TG: just gonna get that phd under my belt real early so i can kick back and relax for the rest of the trip  
TG: focus on the real science  
GA: ...  
GA: Is This Real Science By Any Chance Your Rhymes  
TG: it is most definitely by chance my rhymes kanaya damn you are on top of shit  
GA: I Like To Think That I Am  
TG: yeah you keep thinkin that  
TG: cuz youre thinkin right  
GA: So Youre Just Doing A General Survey Of Basic Subjective Troll Senses  
GA: To Advance Your Academic Career  
TG: yep right again holy shit kanaya youre on fire  
TG: ...  
TG: ...  
TG: also karkat told me i smell bad  
TG: ?  
TG: you still there  
TG: kanaya talk to me send me a sign  
TG: type 1 if gamzee murdered you  
TG: type 2 if you murdered him  
TG: then get your ass on over here and gimme a high five cuz seriously that guys got it comin  
GA: 3  
TG: 3 what the fuck is 3  
TG: oh no  
TG: kanaya we didnt prepare for 3 what the fuck were we thinking  
GA: Im Sorry Dave  
GA: I Just Needed A Moment  
TG: ok  
GA: To Recover  
TG: what the fuck  
GA: This Is Not A Turn I Expected This Conversation To Take  
GA: But Im So Glad That It Did  
TG: what  
GA: This Is Incredible  
GA: Are We Honestly Going Through All Of This Rigmarole Because Karkat Insulted You  
TG: wow rigmarole awesome  
TG: how do you guys not have the same word for foot  
TG: but you have fucking rigmarole  
GA: Answer The Question Dave  
GA: The Time For Rigmarole Is Over  
TG: haha yeah ok i mean this isnt the first time around the gettin karkat bitched at block for your boy dave  
TG: i know that block  
TG: got a lemonade stand set up on it  
TG: im makin a killin gonna donate all of it to st judes or some shit  
GA: Um  
TG: yeah what im sayin is i definitely know when karkats just insulting me like just to say hi  
TG: or goodbye  
TG: its like how hawaiians say aloha  
TG: but with way more profanity  
TG: but this is different  
TG: he was real serious about it  
TG: made me think he actually meant it  
TG: and was like  
TG: doin me a favor  
TG: or as he phrased it doing himself a favor  
TG: since hes the one has to go around smelling me so much  
TG: and apparently “my olfactory stub never regrew after it was burned off by the green sun”  
GA: Hm  
GA: Well Then Maybe Its True  
TG: what the fuck  
GA: Forgive Me Dave  
GA: I Dont Mean To Pry Into Your Personal Grooming Habits  
GA: But  
TG: oh my god  
TG: i shower kanaya come on  
GA: That Is Very Reassuring  
TG: and these god tier jammies are self cleaning  
TG: so no need to fuss there  
TG: im stayin gold like ponyboy  
GA: Wait  
TG: what  
GA: What  
TG: what  
GA: Dave  
TG: uh  
GA: I Dont  
GA: I Dont Know How To  
GA: Oh My God  
GA: Hold On  
GA: Im  
GA: Im Putting Rose On  
TG: what the fuck  
GA: Please Stand By  
TG: ok  
GA: Hello, Dave.  
TG: sup  
GA: Kanaya has just told me something very alarming.  
TG: oh no did she tell you i called her bangin  
GA: What?  
GA: No.  
TG: oh shit  
GA: Wait, did you...?  
GA: Did you actually say that to her?  
TG: maybe  
TG: in a fit of uh  
TG: me saying stuff  
TG: i might have  
TG: let it slip  
GA: Good lord.  
TG: if it makes you feel better i also talked about how we should totally do a comedy tour in the style of the late great days of vaudeville and maybe also about her ass ok rose im all over the damn place  
GA: Oh my god.  
GA: We’ll deal with this later.  
GA: Because believe it or not, that is not the most alarming thing Kanaya has just reported.  
TG: i thought she didnt tell you about the ass thing  
GA: For fuck’s sake...  
GA: The alarming thing she told me concerns the state of your clothing.  
TG: oh you mean my god tier jammies  
TG: my loungewear for unemployed ren fair jesters  
GA: Yes, those.  
GA: Your secret lovechild of a snuggie and a tomato.  
TG: nice one  
GA: She says you haven’t washed them.  
TG: yeah  
GA: ...  
GA: Is that an affirmative negation of my negative question?  
TG: no its a negative affirmation of your hella rude question  
GA: ...  
GA: Dave.  
GA: Have you washed your clothes since we arrived on this meteor?  
TG: naw  
GA: _Naw?_  
TG: yeah naw  
TG: hey another affirmative negation for your collection  
GA: Dave.  
GA: You have to wash your clothes.  
TG: what no way theyre god tier magic  
TG: theyre self cleaning  
GA: No Dave.  
GA: No they are not.  
GA: Just slapping a cape on an outfit does not render it magical.  
TG: cmon we got these stupid ass duds when we fucking got brought back to life  
TG: in a big ass magic sun  
TG: cuz we just so happened to be chilling on the right floating beds at the time  
TG: this is more than just capes rose you know that  
TG: im not some jackass kid tyin a pillowcase around my neck  
TG: jumpin off the garage roof  
TG: saddest obituary in towns comin out next week  
TG: theres a whole extra page insert  
TG: in lieu of flowers please donate to the foundation for teaching chump ass kids the difference between cartoons and reality  
TG: ok give me some goddamn credit  
GA: Yes, and funnily enough you actually _can_ fly, meaning the Houston Times would save on paper and the foundation would go woefully underfunded.  
GA: The irony is not lost on me.  
TG: cool  
GA: But one fact remains unchanged:  
GA: You have to wash your clothes, Dave.  
TG: are you shitting me  
GA: I am not shitting you.  
GA: I wouldn’t shit you on this.  
TG: uh  
GA: Dave.  
GA: Have you washed your clothes once in the past two months?  
TG: uh  
GA: Have you worn anything else?  
GA: _At all?_  
TG: yeah definitely  
TG: the mayors hosted a couple black tie charity affairs  
TG: i pulled out all the stops for those  
GA: Good.  
GA: I guess.  
GA: Sigh.  
GA: I shudder to ask this next question, but...  
GA: Have you bathed since we arrived here?  
TG: yeah of course  
TG: lots of times  
TG: god damn  
GA: When was the last time?  
TG: yesterday  
GA: Okay.  
GA: That’s not so bad.  
TG: yeah so next week ill just take my clothes in there with me and give em a good rinse  
GA: I’m sorry.  
GA: You’ll _what??_  
TG: what  
GA: Sweet merciful Christ.  
GA: Deliver me from teenage boys.  
TG: whats up  
GA: Dave.  
GA: Where are you?  
TG: im in my room  
TG: why  
GA: Stay there.  
GA: I’m coming over.  
GA: We’re going to have a long, mortifying, and probably all-too revealing talk.  
GA: Please stand by.  
TG: what the fuck  
GA: Hello Dave  
TG: kanaya what is about to happen to me  
TG: where the fuck is this going  
GA: I Believe You Are About To Be Saved From Yourself  
TG: uh  
GA: Goodbye Dave  
TG: yeah uh  
TG: bye  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  



End file.
